Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Intro- The First Year

Hello all, my name is Amanda (Mama O) and I'm new to blogging, but I thought I'd give it a try.  I'm a stay at home mom to two wonderful, spunky lil boys! Benji is my youngest rugrat at 13 months and the other, my oldest is 31/2.  Bman (3yr old) also has autism and a few other diagnoses.  My fiance Mike is my rock and my saving grace. (I swear if it wasn't for him and my lovely mother, idk where I'd be) lol.  I'm starting this blog as a personal outlet and to share my experiences and stories as an autism mom. 

Im hoping by sharing my experiences and stories that for one, I can possibly help other moms (or dads) dealing with the same or similar struggles. Its not easy, and I find as time goes on it only gets harder. Lets start from the beginning. When Bman was born (2013) it was of course the most magical moment of my life. Tears of joy and fear ran down my face as the realization set in that my life as I knew it was over, and every moment I lived from here on out was for someone else. Mind you, I had no issues with this life change, ever since I was young I knew I was going to be a mom, and a badass one at that. But no one warned me about all the changes; mentally, emotionally, physically. Man was I in for a treat. lol

As time went on, and me and my happy baby continued to build our awesome bond, going to story-time at the library, park dates, mommy meetups,  I started noticing something was different. He didn't meet his milestones when all the other kids did. He had awkward behaviors that I hadn't seen the other children do, he wasn't interested in speaking. He was around 8-9 months when I first voiced my concern. I had no idea what it was, if anything really, my heart just knew. Most people (docs included) tried to veer away from any one particular answer and threw words like "every child is different" and "only time will tell" (doesn't it always) lol 

I waited until his 1 yr well check to re-voice my concerns only to get the "he's too young, you're just gonna have to wait it out" lecture.  BS... don't tell me that I have no options, don't tell me that I'm wrong for having such concerns and that I'm "just being paranoid"....man, that doc lit the fire under my ass so quick I'm sure he was happy to see me leave. 

Skip ahead several months, and here we are, 19 months, got his first speech and occupational evaluations done...(no help from the doc) and of course we all know what happens after...THERAPIES....!!! He had a rough few months getting used to going and taking direction from someone other then me (or close fam) but then he was a pro....he progressed so much and I was so proud. During this time, we were referred to a developmental pediatrician, after that long process is when we got the official autism diagnoses. I felt relieved that I wasn't crazy, there WAS something different and now we have access to the tools that can help him.

But soon after feeling validated, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out. I felt sorry for myself, guilty....what did I do to make him this way, my perfect baby is no longer perfect.  It took a good long while for me to accept the fact that he was different. He's still my perfect baby, nothing has changed about HIM, HE has always been the same. I allowed the label that got stamped on him make me doubt if I could do it. I will never forget the moment I heard Katy Perrys "Unconditional" song. I'm sure its about a boyfriend or something silly, but man oh man, right then and there, at the red light I started bawling, looked back at Bman who was happily flapping his hands to the beat of the music, I knew.... I knew I could do it.  And that I would try and put in as much effort as needed to give this kid a chance. To make sure he felt loved and accepted EVERYDAY! 

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