Lets back up to when we first found out I was expecting baby #2. December 8th, my dads birthday, we(mike & I) walk out of the doctors office holding hands. I remember saying "OH MY GAWD!!!" to be exact... we were so excited. Boy? Girl? Should we wait? Who do we tell first?
That Christmas, we blew up a bunch of balloons, put them in a large box with a note inside and wrapped it. We had a chosen person to receive said gift and read the note out loud to the family. The note read as follows:
"I do not have a face to see,
or put in side a frame.
I do not have soft cheeks to kiss,
I don't yet have a name.
You cant yet hold my tiny hands,
nor whisper in my ear.
Its still too soon to sing a song,
Its still too soon to sing a song,
or cuddle me so near.
But all will change come August 2015;
That's when mom says I'm due,
I"m your new family member,
and I cant wait to meet you.
All I ask between now and then,
Is your patience while I grow,
I promise I'll be worth the wait,
cuz of all the love we know.
So what I have to give you now,
is a wish to you from me,
I can't wait to be a part of
this wonderful family."
As my sister was reading it aloud so everyone could hear. I look over and see Bman, he doesn't know whats going on. He's cuddling with dad in the back corner covering his ears because the noise; crinkling wrapping paper, laughing kids, new toy sounds. As I sit there, my heart breaking. I asked myself, "How can I be happy?" "How do I tell Bman there's gonna be another baby?" "Will he understand?" "What if having another baby makes him regress?" "Will he still know I love him?"All of which I'm sure are 100% normal, right?
Time goes on, as it has a sneaky way of doing. I did my best to prepare Bman for baby. Made sure I explained that I'll need his help. That big boys get things that lil boys don't. (like chocolate milk) And we have to be nice. When Benji was born; of course, back were the tears, tears of joy and fear. Although, this time I wasn't afraid of parenting and all it comes with, (okay maybe I was) but at least I've done it before. I at least knew what to expect even though I knew wrangling two kiddos under 3 was going to be a challenge.
I was fearful because he didn't start crying. All the nurses were quietly mumbling as they hover over him; my beautiful, seconds old baby. I saw Mike pacing back and forth, white as a sheet. He kept peeking over at Benji, then would look at me, throw his hands up in anger, as neither of us knew what was going on. As the tears continued rolling down my face, all I wanted was my baby. To hear him cry, to hear the nurses reassure me everything was going to be okay. To touch him, to kiss his lil forehead.
Moments later, they handed me the second most precious lil human I've ever seen. His eyes were open. Feeling much better after the umbilical cord was unwound from his neck. We were so happy. Happy to have our sweet angel in our arms. Happy that it was all over and we soon would be able to go home.
Skip ahead several hours and every new mothers worst nightmare came true. He wasn't eating, he wasn't crying, he wasn't pooping that special newborn poo. Something was wrong. As the nurses took turns trying to get him to latch, and be interested in eating, I just soaked up the moment. Holding him in my arms and staring into his luscious blue eyes. He was perfect. Before I knew it, they were taking him away to draw blood. And in true mamabear fashion, I followed. You were not taking this sweet baby away from me again. The nurses did their thing, trying to be as polite as possible. As I'm waddling around waiting to hear something back, one of the nurses looked up from the IV table. Glancing my way, she looked pained, her eyes almost filled with tears. I'm still not sure what she was trying to say, if anything. Maybe she experienced something similar and it brought back feelings. Maybe she knew something I didn't and was trying to warn me. Mind you, all this took hours to accomplish. Paperwork; you sign here, I'll dot there. More waiting. Come to find out, now they want to do x-rays on his tummy to see why he's not hungry.
Hours later they come and tell me my baby has to be admitted to the NICU. I about almost died. My heart sank so far down, I never thought I'd function the same again. Mike and I were both speechless. As they roll my baby away, I breakdown, terrified, robbed, clueless. "Whats going to happen?" Whats wrong with my baby?" After numerous x-rays they discovered air between his bowel walls. Fatal in premature babies. At that moment, I was thankful he (ben) was stubborn and didn't come until after his due date. After a week of antibiotics, multiple iv changes, a picc line and all the emotions that go along with it, we were in recovery. One more week after that, and the rare disease he had was gone. G-O-N-E!! As a full term 8 lb 8 oz baby he was born with one of the most rare cases seen. He was in the 1% of kids who develop this condition in the womb, rather then the normal 2-3 weeks old. All his vital signs were tip top, everything else was perfect. We're still so thankful for the docs and nurses who protected and saved our lil man. Those two weeks were the longest and most scary of my entire life. I've never had to ask so many difficult questions. I never thought, 9 months ago, I'd have to ask if my son was going to survive. Still to this day, we will always remember that last stay at Chandler Regional Medical Center, visiting him everyday and praying we could take him home.
Once we arrived home, I was so overwhelmed with happiness. My bed, my food, my smells. I was finally home with ALL my boys and if felt good. So good. Bman did such a phenomenal job. He was gentle, he gave baby Ben his blanky. Gave him kisses. All was great....uuuunnnntil two weeks later when the sleep deprivation kicks in, your 2 yrs old wants pancakes for breakfast, but not any old pancakes, chocolate chip pancakes. The clothes get left in the washer all day and over night so now the entire laundry room smells like a locker room. Oh! And the dishes are overflowing. Ooohh the joys! No, but really, I'm so proud of both my boys, no matter how hard the struggle, no matter how high the jump, we'll make it, and we'll make it together.